The Beatle Pillows
by Pjazz
Summary: *NEW* A Beatle fan causes problems for Jerry and Elaine. George irritates astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Kramer and Jackie Chiles sue a pogostick company.


***********The Beatle Pillows****************  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
JERRY IS SEATED ON THE SOFA WATCHING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, SANDY, DO AEROBICS.   
  
A TAPE DECK IS PLAYING MUSIC. SANDY IS IN A TIGHT LEOTARD.   
  
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DENISE RICHARDS.  
  
SANDY  
  
C'mon, Jerry. Join in.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm fine here in the audience.  
  
SANDY  
  
Audience? I didn't realise I was putting on a show.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh it's a show alright.  
  
SANDY  
  
Well, mister, I might charge an admission fee.  
  
TAPE ENDS  
  
SANDY  
  
Whew! I need water. Jerry, change the tape could you?  
  
JERRY SWAPS TAPES. THE BEATLES PLAY.  
  
JERRY  
  
You like the Beatles?  
  
SANDY  
  
My favourite band. I've got a big crush on John Lennon.  
  
JERRY  
  
You realise he's dead.  
  
SANDY  
  
Silly. And I know I wasn't even born when they were a group. I still love them.   
  
There's an auction of Beatles memorabilia downtown soon. I'll buy you a Beatles wig.  
  
JERRY  
  
More of a quiff man myself.I have a friend could use the wig though.  
  
What's your Beatles favourite track?  
  
SANDY  
  
Revolution 9. On the White Album.  
  
JERRY  
  
The one that's all random static? No lyrics or melody?  
  
SANDY  
  
Cool, huh?  
  
INT. NYC DELI.  
  
GEORGE IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE COUNTER.   
  
AHEAD OF HIM IS BUZZ ALDRIN, THE APOLLO ASTRONAUT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Aren't you Buzz Aldrin?  
  
BUZZ  
  
Yes, I am.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wow. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. Big fan.  
  
BUZZ  
  
Thank you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not as a big a fan as I am of Neil Armstrong, naturally. He was first on the moon, you were only second . You know what they say. First is first. Second is nowhere.  
  
BUZZ  
  
Really.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Do you know what I think your first words when you walked on the moon should have been? 'Neil was first, but I try harder.'  
  
BUZZ  
  
'Neil was first, but I try harder?'  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's like a skit of the car rental slogan. 'We try harder.'  
  
BUZZ  
  
I see.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ah, you weren't to know. Other things on your mind. 'Will the rocket work?'   
  
'Are we going to die up here or burn up on reentry' That sort of stuff.  
  
BUZZ  
  
Who are you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Costanza. George Costanza. You know, if it had been me up there with Neil Armstrong I'd have hidden his space helmet then snuck out the lunar module first while he was still looking for it.  
  
BUZZ  
  
The lunar module was very cramped, Mr Costanza. I'm sure Neil would have found his space helmet very quickly.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Take it with you out on the surface. Then he's screwed.  
  
You're first on the moon. You get all the glory.  
  
BUZZ  
  
Mr Costanza, I would have been court martialed. Neil was the mission commander.   
  
It was his perogative to be first out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(SNORTS) Perogative! This is history we're talking about here.  
  
BUZZ  
  
This is absurd.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So, Buzz, got any more trips into space planned?  
  
BUZZ  
  
You are the most irritating man I've ever met.  
  
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Her favourite Beatles track is 'Revolution 9', the one with all the static?   
  
What is she - tone deaf?  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. It's very perplexing. In every other respect Sandy's completely normal.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I think I saw Sandy at my gym. We were in the showers together.  
  
JERRY  
  
In the showers?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Together?  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A LOOK. ELAINE NOTICES.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(SARCASTIC) Yeah. W e soaped each other down. Then the other women joined in.   
  
It was one big soap-o-rama.  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine, don't tease us. We're flesh and blood.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Gimme a break. You really think that stuff goes on?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes we do. That and the pillow fights in your underwear.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Don't you have a communal shower at your gym?  
  
JERRY  
  
Sure. I never use it. Only the private cubicle.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why not?  
  
JERRY  
  
It's like prison. The risk of dropping the soap is too great. I can't chance it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Suppose the cubicle is out of order?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Then we drive home in our smelly, sweaty gym clothes.  
  
ELAINE  
  
The more I learn about men the more I think women should be dating chimpanzees.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Guess who I met in the deli today - Buzz Aldrin.  
  
JERRY  
  
The second man on the moon?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. He was buying salami slices.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh no. You didn't try the line on him?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? What line?  
  
JERRY  
  
George dreamt up this line Buzz Aldrin should have said on the moon.  
  
GEORGE  
  
'Neil was first, but I try harder.' It's a great line. Like the car rental slogan.  
  
JERRY  
  
What did Buzz think?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(SNORTS)HAh, he might be an big space hero, but he has no imagination whatsoever.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hated it, huh?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He said I was the most irritating person he'd ever met.  
  
JERRY  
  
Buzz Aldrin insulted you? You've been insulted by many many people, but never by an astronaut. Congratulations.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I read somewhere Buzz Aldrin was the first person to take a leak on the moon.  
  
JERRY  
  
So what you're saying Elaine, is that as Buzz Aldrin stepped on the moon, in front of a tv audience of millions worldwide, his first words should be 'Hey Neil, I just peed my pants'?  
  
KRAMER ENTERS. SITS AT BOOTH.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, I need you all to sponser me.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why, you running the New York marathon?  
  
KRAMER  
  
NO. A sponsered pogostick bounce.  
  
JERRY  
  
Pogostick bounce? What are you - 10 years old?  
  
KRAMER  
  
It's for charity, Jerry. 10 cents a bounce. Some kid can do over a million.   
  
He's in the Guinness Book of Records.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Aren't you in there too? Under World's Biggest Doofus?  
  
JERRY  
  
How many can you do?  
  
KRAMER   
  
Five.  
  
JERRY  
  
50 cents? Sure I'm in.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Me too.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Er, I gotta go. Catch you later.  
  
GEORGE EXITS  
  
ELAINE  
  
That cheapskate. No wonder Buzz Aldrin hated him.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Buzz Aldrin? He's a phoney.  
  
JERRY  
  
What d'you mean - phoney?  
  
KRAMER  
  
He didn't walk on the moon, Jerry. No one did. It was all filmed on a Hollywood set.  
  
JERRY  
  
The whole thing? Rockets, landing, moon walks?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Faked. One big contrick by the CIA.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What about the moon rocks?  
  
KRAMER  
  
From a volcano. Ever see a moon rock? Can't do it. Phoney.  
  
JERRY  
  
But why?  
  
KRAMER  
  
To fool the russians, Jerry. The wouldn't want to go to the moon if we got there first.  
  
JERRY  
  
So we pretended to go to the moon to stop the Russians from actually going?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Now you're wising up.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm glad we had this discussion.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You better believe it, buddy.  
  
INT. GYM.  
  
ELAINE, WRAPPED IN A TOWEL, HAS JUST SHOWERED AND IS COMBING HER WET HAIR.  
  
SANDY ENTERS AND STARTS CHANGING HER TRAINERS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(THINKS TO HERSELF) Oh look. Jerry's pal little miss tone deaf.   
  
Mebbe I should offer to soap her down. Hah! Men are such idiots.  
  
ELAINE LAUGHS OUT LOUD  
  
SANDY  
  
Something funny?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? Oh no. I was just thinking something.  
  
SANDY  
  
You're Elaine, aren't you. Jerry's ex girlfriend.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah.  
  
SANDY  
  
I can see why he dumped you.  
  
SANDY EXITS LEAVING ELAINE OPEN MOUTHED IN AMAZEMENT.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.  
  
JERRY  
  
'I can see why he dumped you?' Sandy said that?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yup. Looked me right in the eye and - pow! - out of nowhere.  
  
JERRY  
  
Did you do something to upset her?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Nope. Why would she think you dumped me?   
  
What was it about me at that precise moment that caused her to jump to that conclusion?   
  
Am I some hideous blob?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Perhaps your hair was a mess?  
  
ELAINE  
  
George, my hair is never a mess. I use a shampoo with 13 different herbs and oils.   
  
Then I rinse with Jojoba juice for that silky sheen.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jojoba juice? Mebbe I should try that.  
  
JERRY  
  
You? You don't need shampoo. You need polish.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(ANGRY) George, isn't liking these bald jokes!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Mebbe I should stick around and talk to Sandy. Ask her what she meant.  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine, I really like Sandy. I don't want you ruining it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You know me, Jerry. I'm a natural diplomat. I'll smooth things over.  
  
THERE'S A COMMOTION IN THE HALL. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER, BOUNCING ON A POGOSTICK.  
  
JERRY  
  
How's it going?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Pretty good. I can manage 8 now.  
  
JERRY  
  
Good for you.  
  
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR. THERE IS A LOUD CRASH OUTSIDE. KRAMER HAS FALLEN OFF.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's a shame.  
  
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.  
  
JACKIE CHILES IS SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK.  
  
HIS INTERCOM BUZZES.  
  
INTERCOM  
  
A Cosmo Kramer here to see you.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Cosmo Kramer? Oh no. Tell him I'm indisposed, incapacitated and incommunicado.  
  
KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A BIG WHITE BANDAGE ROUND HIS HEAD.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, Jackie.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Damn! What happened to your fool head?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I fell off a pogostick.  
  
JACKIE  
  
A pogostick? I didn't know you had a pogostick? What were you doing on a pogostick?  
  
What the hell's a pogostick anyway?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Bouncing. For charity.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Did the pogostick come with instructions?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nope.  
  
JAKIE  
  
Any warnings pogosticks are injurious to health?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Nope.  
  
JACKIE  
  
No crash helmet or safety gear supplied?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Not a thing. What d'you think, Jackie? Have we got a case?  
  
JACKIE  
  
Kramer, your cracked skull is my case. This pogostick company is guilty of endangering the public - namely you. Here, have a cigar.  
  
INT. POGOSTICK COMPANY OFFICE.  
  
KRAMER, JACKIE CHILES AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY.  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
Mr Chiles, I really don't see that you have much of a case.   
  
Our pogostick is primarily designed as a childrens toy.   
  
It's not meant for a man of Mr Kramer's advanced years.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Does it say so on the box?  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
Well, no. Surely it's common sense?  
  
JACKIE  
  
Sense? Take a look at my client, Mr Kramer here. Note the crazy hair.   
  
The vacant eyes. The slack jaw.   
  
Here is a man with absolutely no sense at all, common or otherwise.  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
Since you put it like that.   
  
I'm prepared to offer your client 25,000 dollars to drop his claim.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Oh no. We want 250,000 dollars. Not a dime less.  
  
PRESIDENT  
  
A quarter of a million dollars? That's preposterous.  
  
JACKIE  
  
We'll see you in court.  
  
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.  
  
KRAMER ANSWERS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.  
  
IT'S DARLENE, A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE IN A LOW CUT DRESS THAT SHOWS OFF HER LARGE BREASTS.  
  
DARLENE  
  
Hi. I'm Darlene. The pogostick company sent me to discuss your claim, Mr Kramer.   
  
May I call you Cosmo?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup.  
  
DARLENE  
  
Can I come in...Cosmo?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddy giddyup.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND SANDY.  
  
SANDY  
  
Are you ready, Jerry? The Beatles auction starts in an hour.   
  
And we've got to get all the way downtown.  
  
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Sandy. I was hoping to find you here.  
  
SANDY  
  
What do you want?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Remember that day at the gym? You looked at me and said you could see why Jerry dumped me?  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine....  
  
SANDY  
  
It still hurts, doesn't it, Elaine. Being dumped.  
  
JERRY  
  
I didn't dump Elaine. It was an amicable parting.  
  
SANDY  
  
That is so typical of you, Jerry. Sparing her feelings.  
  
ELAINE  
  
But what was it that day that made you think, however wrongly, Jerry dumped me?   
  
Was it my hair? My eyes? My ever so slightly prominent chin?  
  
SANDY  
  
I guess pretty much the whole package.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ri-ght. The whole package. Well,someone's about to get a swift kick up the kazoo.  
  
SANDY  
  
Look at the time. We're going to miss the auction.  
  
SANDY EXITS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You don't get away from me that easy, missy!  
  
ELAINE EXITS.  
  
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.  
  
  
  
JACKIE, KRAMER AND DARLENE.  
  
KRAMER AND DARLENE ARE ARM IN ARM, VERY TOUCHY FEELY.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Where you been? The trial starts in an hour.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I've dropped the claim, Jackie.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Dropped the claim? What d'you mean, dropped the claim?   
  
Did I tell you to drop the claim?  
  
Who told you to drop the claim?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Darlene. Her company is sponsering me in a smooch-a-thon.  
  
JACKIE  
  
Smooch-a-thon? What the hell's a smooch-a-thon?  
  
KRAMER  
  
They pay me 10 cents every time I kiss Darlene.  
  
DARLENE  
  
We're up to 63 dollars.  
  
THEY KISS  
  
KRAMER  
  
63 dollars. And 10 cents.  
  
JACKIE  
  
I've been hornswaggled, hogtied and hoodwinked.   
  
This is the bitterest of all my many humiliations.  
  
INT. NYC AUCTION HOUSE.  
  
JERRY, ELAINE AND SANDY ARE SEATED IN A ROW.  
  
ELAINE AND SANDY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
Lot 657. Pair of featherdown pillows used by the Beatles during their stay in New York in 1964. Do I hear 50 dollars?  
  
SANDY BIDS  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
50 bid. Do I have 100?  
  
ELAINE BIDS  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
100 BID.  
  
SANDY BIDS. ELAINE COUNTER BIDS.  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
150. 200. 250. 300. 350. 400. 450. 500.  
  
SANDY  
  
600 dollars!  
  
ELAINE  
  
700!  
  
SANDY  
  
800!  
  
ELAINE  
  
1,000 dollars!  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
1,000 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.  
  
ELAINE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT SANDY, WHO SULKS WITH HER ARMS FOLDED.  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
Finally, Lot 658. A pair of Ringo Starr's underpants. Do I hear 100 dollars?  
  
JERRY SCRATCHES HIS NOSE.  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
100 bid.  
  
JERRY  
  
What? No! I scratched my nose.  
  
AUCTIONEER  
  
At 100 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.  
  
JERRY  
  
I scratched my nose!  
  
EXT. NYC STREET.  
  
ELAINE IS CARRYING THE BEATLE PILLOWS. JERRY RINGO STARR'S UNDERPANTS.  
  
JERRY  
  
I scratched my nose. What am I supposed to do with Ringo Starr's old underpants?  
  
ELAINE  
  
(YAWNS) Feeling sleepy. Think I'll go have a nap on my Beatle pillows.  
  
SANDY  
  
Those are my pillows!  
  
SANDY GRABS A PILLOW.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You give that back!  
  
SANDY HITS ELAINE WITH THE PILLOW. ELAINE HITS BACK. THEY POUND EACH OTHER.  
  
A CROWD GATHERS TO WATCH.  
  
THE PILLOWS SPLIT. ENVELOPING EALINE AND SANDY IN A CLOUD OF FEATHERS.  
  
MAN IN CROWD  
  
Chickfight! Man, this is just like spring break. Woo! Woo! Woo!  
  
IN THE DISTANCE, A POLICE SIREN.  
  
EXT. OUTSIDE A NYC POLICE PRECINCT.  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK FORM THE P STATION TO JERRY'S CAR. ELAINE IS COVERED IN FEATHERS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(DAZED) I just spent 1,000 bucks on pillows. Got arrested for public disorder.   
  
And a lesbian wants me as her bitch.  
  
JERRY  
  
And your car got towed. It's in the pound.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Jerry, this is the worst day of my life.  
  
JERRY  
  
On the plus side, Sandy and I didn't break up.  
  
JERRY STARTS TO HUM A BEATLES TUNE.  
  
THE END  
  
****************************AUTHOR'S NOTE************************************  
  
Joking apart, the Beatles' Revolution 9 is obviously a valid artistic creation.  
  
No insult intended on my part.  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Or post a review at fanfiction.net  
  
*** 


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